the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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