i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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