I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
