he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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