It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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