M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
