ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
