Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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