i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
