Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
