We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
