I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
