i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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