I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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