you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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