ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There's always time for handjobs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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