The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
