On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
