Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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