My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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