I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
