all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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