Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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