my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
