seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
