he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
