Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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