I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
