I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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