Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
