i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
