I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
