I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
