i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
