i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
