just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
