Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
