I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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