We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
