I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
