Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
