i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
