I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
