im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
