My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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