my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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