soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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