I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
