He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
