My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
