Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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