While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
